Holmes Went to Clown College

Oh, we got a REAL treat for y’all. This week’s guest is one of Caleb’s best friends in the entire world, the hilarious Holmes! Holmes and Caleb talk about what’s going on with doctors, their trips around the world, their unique party trick, and so much more.

Join our Patreon for exclusive bonus content! https://patreon.com/SoTruePodcast?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink

See Caleb Live on Tour! https://calebhearon.komi.io/

Follow Holmes! @_holmes_holmes
Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings
Follow the show! @sooootruepod

Can you tell I’m changing a little no not yet I’m so busted oh my God ever since I did that one Dom audition I did one audition where I had to be a Dom and it changed my entire person it changed my relationship to you Holmes did one

Audition for like what was it a TV show where they were supposed to be like a Dominatrix and then all of a sudden they’re I’m like I’m like can you go to dinner tonight they’re like no Pig you know they’re like like they’re like we’ll hang out when I say how’s that I’m

Like what has happened like the audition shut the [ __ ] up no it was way worse I would like ask one girl out to dinner i’ be like guess I’m a top now and he’d be like no you’re being a citizen be like not my top era and I’d

Be like literally not your top era you’re actually not a top I know that’s been hard too I I’ve been trying to convince myself and then we get to the date and I’m like I’m like I’m like I’m like you better order for us I’m like being a top

In a way that more work yeah I know I’m a top shut the [ __ ] up my me being a top is being super sweet but calling everyone pigs dude dude I was making out with a guy recently really hot guy the one I showed you okay brag really hot really hot guy

But I make out with a lot of hot guys so don’t just don’t make it seem like I only make out with one hot gu she makes out with a lot of hot guys I don’t well you’re trying to be a lesbian and I’m trying to be a lesbian and I make out

With some hog girls but the numbers are still doing their thing I was making out with a hot guy and I kept make stopping him to make jokes cuz I had this really funny bit running bit that I was doing I can’t and and he you like my tongue falls off no

Got you you wish oh what if we were gay kidding no I had this really funny running bit that I was doing but I don’t want to give it away because it’s just for me and him you know and I won’t and he goes I won’t keeping it still I’m

Keeping it secret for us how much I have to check in with them it’s our thing okay go you can check in with them anytime you want and he goes and like the fifth time I stopped to do the joke he like he I’m like in the middle of

Doing the jokeing he goes shut the [ __ ] up and then kiss me and I said yeah you’re like no more jokes tonight sir I said I said I said I need him medically actually I said I saido I’ve been wanting to shut the [ __ ] up yeah I know

That’s the thing it doesn’t work when I do it it sucks if I had a huge [ __ ] dick I know no but it’s fine dick I a huge the how much our relationship could change the things I could do to you if you had a huge dick

And sexy things in a boy way let me tell you something if you had a huge dick our relationship would change Zero I wouldn’t want what about if my personality is a little different too oh yeah oh if you changed your personality things would be way different between us

I might have to do some of that top stuff on you no can I just say what happened during the call back because it was actually a nightmare so I did that role I was really excited about it because it was just like the script was

Good and then literally in the room she goes I do it and I do the Dom scene and I’m nervous obviously and then she goes she’s like good she’s like let’s see a little bit more of a switch into the Dom and in my head I thought I don’t

Actually know if there is any where deeper I can go yeah but you’re like speaking as strictly about him I gave you everything I had I was like I was like 100% I was thinking the same thing you know then I like get into it it’s

Like she’s like all right thanks so much for your time I was like I want to die thank you we’ll see you around yeah I go right back and do a bottom I’m like thank you so much sorry log off now hey just because we’re now I’m sure most

People watching this know but you’re one of my best friends in the whole world and just because you’re one of my best friends doesn’t mean I I can I can slack off during this interview I have to actually interview you this means the world actually I mean he never asks me

Questions some days it’s just us you know me doing all the work friendship wise there has not been a single day where you’ve done work in our friendship I’ve known you for years you have never showed up for me I got the house first that did Kickstart us

Getting them that did Kickstart us getting we both bought houses in Kansas City and you and I’ve never said that you didn’t Kickstart it but you did go first I kickstarted that part you kickstarted Casey I kick started I was like the houses are happening and you

Were like let’s go and then now cayb was like I’m buying a mansion I’m like wait what’s going on now he’s like he’s like he’s like there’s a water park in Kansas City with my name on it I’m like holy [ __ ] dude I’ve gotten I love real estate

It’s I want to dis people I want to displace people no your love for Real Estate does turn me on it’s hot I like when a guy you like think he’s like on grinder or something you look over it’s like houses you’re like buy us something

Like not you were saying that like it’s a common no stop we can’t see this is the problem you and I go down you and I go down these long little rabbit holes and we can but I have to actually ask you questions and I want to tell people

About you that means the world and really quick before I do that just we kind of started so fast that I put my headphones on and like they’re on my hair do you think that looks weird like I should get the hair John I think you great I think you look great

John stop John John’s forting with all my guests it’s really weird John most of all Jack Martin John John for with Jack Martin a lot love Jack well that doesn’t surprise me that doesn’t surprise me one bit I love Jack Martin too John’s wearing a lbre

Shirt John’s wearing just an NBC shirt I don’t I I don’t flirt with Jack but I will say when Jack Smiles at me something happens of course he’s a hot guy when hot guys smile at me I feel things I don’t have that with guys who are like that you know like perfect

Looking yeah yeah yeah yeah you’re it does something different to me you’re I’m I’m like all a sudden filing paperwork I’m like you need your glue stick and you have it right like you know what I mean like okay here’s my interview for you so Holmes now if I’m not mistaken you

Attended clown college shut the [ __ ] up you st didn’t you study at a now I think I’ve got this right yes you went to clown college get that away you don’t need that okay get that away throw that away my notes get those away check this

Yeah you went to K College I didn’t go to clown college and no I didn’t go to clown college let’s set the records straight actually here because I’ve had enough this has happened multiple times Caleb and I have been out and I people have confidently confidently assumed that I

Went to clown college they’ll always be like you went to clown college right and I’m like no I didn’t and I don’t know who started it and I don’t know if it’s just an energy I put off or I you know that I started it I’ve been telling

Everyone for years that you went to K college but it started before you even said something we were we were in a circle in Kansas City and someone was like you went to clown college right you laughed really hard and then you started spreading it whose phone’s ringing whose phone’s Ringing I turned it off it was Carly muted it’s on wait call her back call her back call her back should I speaker into the mic our friend car GNA say something [ __ ] toxic brilliant New York comedian she’s sling oh Carly you’re on speaker and you

Are on so true the podcast with me and Caleb he made me call you back and here we are live don’t say anything bad oh my God this is so special let me see let me see Carly it’s Caleb Heron comedian actor writer hi it’s so nice to finally meet you I’m a

Big fan hi bat girl hey what is something that’s so true to you um something that’s so true to me is that I just ate an edible and tried to go to the gym and left after 20 minutes and to me and then I dropped a glass

Bottle of hot honey crisps in the grocery store in Fr of everyone so okay and is that is that what you were calling homes about be honest um no I was just calling to check in oh are they not doing okay Lally Carly’s dropping things literally taking

Edibles at the gym and it’s like I’m worried about Holmes wait wait wait wait what do you think you need to check in with Holmes about are they not doing well I don’t know you know it was hard to tell last time we talked it was really

Quick we we had a really quick check in where it’s one of those ones where I was like Jing into something and they’re like got a shower fast love you and I was like well Holmes how are you doing what car we know I think I’m doing really good

Today Carl and I do have that friendship disease where we like doing yeah what did you say Carly you how are you doing how am I doing well thank you for asking some people never do um Carly I’m doing really well I think I’ve been craving love a lot lately romantically but I

Think creatively I’m feeling fired okay I think that’s a good balance and I think that love is on the way and what’s so true to you before I let you guys get back to it Carly this is classic not Carly producing the podcast right now no this is what’s so true

About Carly what’s so true to Carly is switching it right on to you here’s something that’s so true about me Carly here I want I that’s so true about me is that I need an answer from you on this question I need you to be honest okay

Holmes and I are both drowning you have one life ra to throw out Carly for real be honest be really honest you have one life ra to throw out other person will die of drowning who are you savingly I’d kill myself no no you no you can’t do that you already love that

Idea’s like wait one of you drown and then we get to be in the after together well who are you letting drown to be in the afterlife with I’m not picking Carly swapping like that was really creative ask me ask me what I would do between

You and Holmes do it what would you do I’d kill myself oh my god when the when the life raft is on you it’s really hard the live ra it’s difficult when it’s on you I wish I didn’t have to give it out Carly we love you so much girl oh this

Is such an honor you guys have a great rest of the I’ll call you later wait do you want to before you go do you want to give one um do you want to give one really nice compliment to Holmes oh absolutely um I think holes you are

So yourself in a way that [Laughter] is oh that sucks oh that Sucks all right love you girl by love you you hung up on her I did because it was time for her to go okay I’m just going to be like she’s gonna she’s literally on inedible and you and we just all laugh really hard at her answer

You know her she’s going to get out them she she’s going to be like I love a boy I’m going to get a text of all the things she loves about me for real she’s like you’re so yourself because you remind me of a little butterfly you know

What I mean like she is I love you okay yeah I get it we’re working on it well that was obviously tough to hear she Workshop that here like that was obviously [ __ ] tough what do you like about holes I’m like multi-talented car’s like car Carly’s like Carly’s like

I love that you stay true to your [ __ ] up life no matter how much it’s not working no matter how much it’s not working for you you keep being you yeah she’s like sometimes you put on an outfit that it makes us look it’s gross

You know but we go oh that’s her she’s being her yeah whatever I also can’t believe that I was like do you think Holmes is doing okay and she was like I can’t tell she well we have that kind of gross thing which is like I’m trying to

Work on in friendships where you’re kind of suddenly a competi I of like who’s having like a hard moment like where it happens on accident you know what I mean where it’s just like no actually something was really exciting today and then they’re like oh I’ve been doing bad

And you’re like well the day before was really bad for me yeah you know and like we go back and forth and you can just tell kind of and so we have to work on that yeah you guys should work on that you don’t do that

No no no you don’t do I I guess I’m struggling to think of what you’re even you’re saying you know what I’m saying like you know when someone telling you like they hav one achievement like they’re like they’re like yeah I actually like got in the writer’s room

And then the other person is just like like H it sucks I just like can’t catch a break and they’re like yeah but the writer’s room everyone spits on me and you’re like what like it has to be then kind of bad like it’s like I feel like

Carly and I have a thing of like we want to make sure that the other person knows we still need them or something yeah there’s a there I I do think there’s an Impulse to be like hey I don’t want you to feel like my life is going perfectly

When you’re having a bad moment I also have hard times I’m with you the struggle is real and in a more selfish way like no I need you forever yeah that’s kind of where it comes from me I think it’s more like don’t ever think I’m doing fine without you oh that’s

Toxic I know I’m really toxic I know I know I’m really toxic I’m working on it no I think I’m working on it a lot so we actually don’t talk that much anymore God I’m glad you got something new to work on cuz for a while you were doing

Boundaries and it made me want to kill myself God I got so sick of you setting boundaries with me well you had to work on your boundaries Caleb shows up outside my house it’s it’s it’s like midnight there’s like a guy outside my house like banging on the door I’m like

[ __ ] think I’m getting attacked he’s like we’re going to the movies it’s like that was your boundary issue that’s not a boundary issue that’s awesome do you like when someone shows up at your house unannounced yes you do depending if it were you yes I would

Never be mad at you showing up to my house unannounced who would you be mad at well there’s people joh John’s like not John not John there’s people no one in the room no I would never no one in the room I would never be mad at you

Shing up in my house unannounced I the thing I think that you and I struggle with is that I love you unconditionally and you love me with condition oh my [ __ ] god and that’s hard because it’s unb and here’s why I’m on the today let’s get into it let’s get

Into it no I hate when you set boundaries with me it’s so annoying I love you so unconditionally and you know that this is this is me this is me and homes’s relationship me hey do you want to get lunch today I’m really missing you haven’t caught up with you in a bit

Just thought it might be nice to have lunch you four hours later hey sorry absolutely can’t do lunch today like I have a crazy one it’s just nuts I did have one meeting at 11:00 a.m. so the day is pretty much shot I need to sit

Under a tree and kind of be in my body right now and check in with the universe however know that I love you so much and it’s not personal 3 days from now I really could do a phone call you know what that’s our friendship you know what

I actually was really a helpful conversation we had recently that helped me with this because I would give a response like that because I have so many [ __ ] in my life that when I can’t hang out they like a response like that that is like kind of like overe

Explaining why and then we had the conversation the other day where you said women are more annoying but men are more evil oh should oh oh should we have that on the record oh should that be on the record that I said that because here what

Happ I said I said I said you get me I’ll get you because here’s what happened with that that was really helpful cuz one of my you are my most masculine friend which I know that’s [ __ ] right brother which can be so powerful CU you are gaming and I have a

Couple straight guy friends who are super fam um but need them by the way need them but it was really helpful when you explained how like it’s like nice if I just like I can’t yeah and now that actually feels nicer with you but I thought that was being Ruder to be like

I can’t what I meant when I said that women are more annoying but men are more I got a lot of women fans we can’t just be selling me down the river like that I think this is an interesting discussion cuz he did actually you got

Me I I convince you disagreed with me at first disag here’s what I meant by it men are more often ill-intentioned and have malice and are mean spirited are like actually evil sometimes evil and but I find it often when I when a when a

Man when a male friend tells me like I can’t hang out he’ll just be like can’t maybe next time that is much more comforting to me and less annoying women often annoy me more but it’s because what’s that my purple hearts your purple hearts I hate the purple hearts women

Annoy me more often because I love them so much and expect them to be so fun and cool but they’re never evil like the women in my life are never doing something mean-spirited or hateful no they’re just annoying well it’s but it’s a literally all that it’s like my mom

It’s like my mom like I love my mom is who do I love more in the world than my mom nobody I love that [ __ ] down bad would die for her not you especially I love my mom more than you everybody in this room I would trade all of you for

One of my mom fine love that woman however she’s annoying like I text her the other day that I was coming to Kansas City for a month I said I’m going to be in KC for a month at my house she’s currently staying at my house okay

She lives there she said she’s living at my house right now and she said I hope we get to spend some time together no shut up that is we’re going to like I just that’s annoying like you live at my house but that’s the thing like the more fem communication that was

Honestly helpful when you said that but so you’re my only friend that’s like that so many my other friends would rather be like and I’m I’m skipping from this meeting to that one otherwise I would of course run to you where it’s like if I just say like can’t with them

They’ll be like okay you [ __ ] hate me and now when you said that I’m like no that actually helps and I do like that about you now I’m just like can you tell I’m changing a little no not yet I’m so [ __ ] busted dude it [ __ ] sucks my therapist is also now

Neurodivergent like she has add2 and I’m sort of like she used said never she not now with this my therapist is now neurod Divergent that’s like a bill Mah clip yeah I my therapist is neurod Divergent here’s the thing I have ADD I can’t hide it I was on set the

Other [ __ ] day yeah my my therapist got add a damn disappointment all I’m saying is she used to not talk about herself and that was her main thing and I liked that cuz I’ve had the therapists before who are like you know what movie I loved

Watching this week and I’m like I don’t [ __ ] care you know and so she don’t talk about herself and I love that now she started to do this thing and instead of just saying like you she’ll be like we think like this because we’re both

And I like oh God and now I’m thinking about her suddenly now I’m worried about her now I’m thinking so I don’t know what’s gonna have to happen with that it [ __ ] sucked I was on doing Siri short the other day there was this guy working

On it you’re doing a short film for a friend Siri I yes genius love her and there was a guy working on it and then there was her roommate who’s this like really really smart cool hot girl okay and she is hot it’s important and she is

Kind of being kind of quiet and she’s like doing something in the corner and this guy she’s talking about how she has ADD and the guy’s like this one guy working he’s like he’s he’s like I could not tell I can not tell you do that’s

Really interesting and I was like yeah I have it too and he was like we all know was like and I was just like okay he was like oink oink ugly [ __ ] yeah Focus up he was like you’re insane was a night he was like oh the ugly girl

Talks she focused up enough to get a sentence out he’s like he’s like n yeah anyways I talked about it the roommate later she laughed she noticed it too yeah she was like yeah he was treating me different I was like thanks for saying like thank you for

Saying what’s up y’all a few quick things from me I’m going on tour I’ll be in New York DC Philly Chicago Nashville San Francisco Los Angeles Dallas Houston and Fort Worth in the coming weeks so please go get tickets and come see me live uh if you’re enjoying the podcast

There is so much more of it exclusively on patreon including monthly bonus episodes from me and additional segments with every guest so go check that out if you want more so true and finally if you’re enjoying the show please tell your friends subscribe everywhere leave a five star review and all that stuff

Okay love you ciao okay yeah interview me okay so you went to clown college and that was really powerful and really brought you to where you are now you were on welcome to Flat I was on welcome to Flat you on welcome to Flat for two seasons you

Worked with Paul feed yes love and a bunch of other great people uh how how was the experience what did you think of it you know what now I I really look at it in a really beautiful way I learned so much I was it was my second audition

I was the lead of a show so I really had imposter syndrome at the beginning and now feel silly telling you this CU I know you know this stuff but I know we have to um I think I really learned so much and I loved it I love Kelly so much

Who I play she has a really special place in my heart and when I was she was queer by the way she’s gay Kelly’s gay Kelly’s super gay and that was like I thought it was really cool to be like a gay person she was gay it’s not written

Exactly like that but people know she’s gay they come up to me and say like on the tour with I just did with mecky like people who come for from Flat like a lot of them are gay women and they’ll be like I love seeing her on TV or it’s

Like a little girl it will be like a dad and her 12-year-old daughter she’s like I love Kelly and she’s I’m like you’re gay and so yeah I thought it was really really amazing and I also like loved working in North Carolina because now I’m learning from being on a few things

And like other places how like because you’re not an in New York you get so close because you’re in kind of a different place I love working outside of La it feels like Camp so it’s like I feel like I got to learn so much be with

Really really talented actors some of my favorite some of my favorite performers in the world I was actually just before this with Kyle seelig and um Taylor Orga M and I love them both and I wouldn’t have met them without the show so yeah I love it so much and I’m excited for

Other stuff now too the only thing I wish I could change is that I wish we could like swear and I wish we could talk about more real things sometimes that you don’t always get to see on yeah like your character could be explicitly gay that’d be cool if she was explicitly

Gay that could be cool and also just like yeah it’s based on one that like they’re swearing every other word to show this country which I think Daisy and Charlie are geniuses and like I do wish that we could do that more but that’s out of my control you know but I

Learned a lot I love her she’s a gay icon and you know someday I’ll probably make something where she’s like 50 and she just is like out and gay and she’s like finally I get to be in charge and like burping and [ __ ] you know oh I love

When gay people burp dude she’s a burper that’s I don’t burp so I had to really train to burp for Kelly I got in trouble with my dad when I was little cuz I I discovered that you can make yourself burp and he got mad he was like you got

To stop I wouldn’t quit burping of course it’s so fun I was the same way when I found out I was kqu I like didn’t come off cuz I was like I was the sign if I shouldn’t say it or not you said did John say we

Shouldn’t put that in no it’s just queefing is really gross no it’s not Bing’s Bing this is how I rank these I really think queef is the least gross then fart then B BB is my least favorite BP’s nasty you can like always taste their like [ __ ] morning and afternoon

Like you can smell it in the air I like to be like either poop badge or I don’t want to know what you ate you think a queef is less gross than a burp yes I think it goes queef is the least gross then far burp is the grossest I think a

Queef is in is there another air thing I forgot sneeze you can’t help that though do you count that well I guess you can’t help the other one sometimes I think the the order of disgusting is first is queef no way because it comes from the vagina

Que is the least disgusting you think I’m kidding I’m kidding I love que what do you think I don’t want to turn off all the people with vaginas I already did I already did women are more annoying and men are more evil this whole episode yeah no I love [ __ ] and I

Love all the sounds that they do have you heard a lot of people queef oh yeah you had girlfriends growing up who were doing it I heard queefs you didn’t you haven’t heard one life oh I know queefs people are queefing around me no they weren’t they weren’t they call me Mr

Queef they weren’t they call me Chief queef yeah that was my nickname in junior college it was a mistake though telling like the Chicago improv scene that that was a thing cuz we’d be at like parties and everyone would be like homes can queef homes can queef go and there

Suddenly there’s like an audience at 30 and I’m like you guys ultimately like I’m 23 and like I do want to like find love again you were queefing at parties in Chicago sorry I’m just going to say we were close in Chicago and you never

Queefed at a party that we were we got close my second half my first half I was you quit queefing at parties by then I did I had to talk with the person who was mostly infiltrating like the beginning of and I was like hey I don’t

Feel like I’ll que for you still but like I don’t want to que for that was basically and I was like I was like I have fun when we do it just us there’s so many things that are like so gay coded like it was always like me and one

Girl being silly together and then she’d be like do it for the group but I’d be like I loved when we were like together kind of being silly us to you’re like I thought we were dating do your party trick freak literally she’s like she went to clown school I’m like I [Laughter]

Didn’t like I kind of thought we were going to date she’s like I got a husband queef like she mostly learned to queef at clown school she took Que in college she took Que in college at clown scho I didn’t learn anything in school I probably probably would have learned

More in clown School you probably would have literally I would have been able to like fly or something it’s [ __ ] a nightmare yeah well in the trappes that famous thing that clowns do I don’t know when you when I say clown what do you think of action wise right away juggle

Oh you action wise yeah uh scarfs out of a sleeve you do I thought you going to say attribute wise yeah I know you’re like you’re like a loser goof well I was going to say like failed La [Laughter] actor not this chugle from one clown in the

Back I’m [ __ ] dead my boy no I respect a lot of clowns Natalie palamas is one of the funniest people I’ve ever seen perform she she’s clowning La changed the clown scene for what I thought clown meant cuz before I didn’t think this one but I this one I this

One’s not bad I am a fan of this one actually if I’m having a bad day STS if someone keeps doing that like that will eventually get me giging yeah but but juggling I don’t every [ __ ] straight guy knows how to juggle it’s like we get it you have time alone where you’re

Bored John you know how to juggle not even close yeah give him three balls and he’s like he’s like he’s like he’s like don’t have the time it’s like you know how to juggle give three bottles and see what happens the way you said that like it

Was like a derogatory thing for straight people I think it is like the amount of guys the amount of straight guys who are like juggling for me and I’m just like ooh like this is never going to come up I’ve seen so many straight guys

Juggle I swear to God I hang out with a lot of straight guys and I only know one of them that juggles and I will never be over me saying John can you juggle John saying no and you saying kind of quietly as if you were saying a slur give him

Three bottles and see what happens that’s [ __ ] crazy give him three bottles and see what happens maybe it’s like a flirty kind of thing that’s happening to me they all they all think I went to clown they they were’re on our first date they’re like look go to

Nightmare oh you don’t think well sorry I’ve got something in my eye you don’t think the straight guys are flirting with you I don’t know I think some of them do straight guys do for it with me obviously one was he juggled who was he what say the guy who

He juggled uh Brian mcelaney was a TV writer that I worked on a show with he did he juggle in the room no he did not juggle in the room okay good he’s a great guy and he’s a very talented juggler I love him to death him and him

And my friend Nick they’re a comedy duo called branic oh amazing yeah they’re very funny and they mostly juggle no they do other stuff okay no no they do sketch Brian juggles when I was I don’t know what it is about the skill when I was at Fring Fest this one guy he

Started juggling I was like oh cool cool and then I sat there for like seven more minutes I was like the whole Show’s juggling the whole show is juggling was it yes and he of course it’s me I’m like at the end I’m like yeah amazing juggler

You know what I mean but in my head I was like God damn like this does get old did you want to sleep with him like were you attracted to him all during the juggling I wasn’t going to say that but yeah I mean a teeny bit towards the end

Like it does work cuz it’s like you do like straight guys are so bad at sex that like when they do something crazy with their hands or something you’re a little bit like maybe that helped or like I don’t know like it’s like when they’re throwing stuff up it’s like well

If you can manage that but you know they probably Focus mostly on juggling and not like not like reading books about stuff that is so [ __ ] funny I know wait I have a surprise for you we have some voicemails from our listeners for you

Wait oh I love talking to you but I want talk to them too we’ve got plenty of time for you and me to talk uh basically I asked them what’s something you want to know the truth about and we’ve got two of them for you okay so I’m a little

Confused because like you hear about pheromones and how like it would be like match like DNA wise like where you’re weak and they strong and blah blah blah but then like supposedly if you’re on birth control your pheromones like react like the opposite way so like it

And I wish I had not left this pretend like you never heard it goodbye I’m so high right now I would let me tell you something about this caller I don’t know their pronouns I would kill for them she literally she call she goes she goes she

Goes I don’t know if I should out my birth control both go no h said I do know their pronounce she her mean no I would kill for her I literally that’s my [ __ ] Gina right there that was such a there’s such good energy in that psychosis someone who calls in hi for

Something I’m obsessed because Lord knows when I’m high I like can’t call my best friend even I’m always like sorry I’m being weird right now also you can tell she came in the phones thing she thought she was eating she was like oh this is a good question I’m about to

Serve right right right and then just immediately fell through so tell me what you heard question wise she goes she goes what the thing about phones is like they’re supposed to be like when you’re when they’re weak and you’re strong or when you’re on birth control yours get

Stronger so I want to know ooh I wish I hadn’t left this pretend you never heard it I am so high bye I that’s the question I do like the oo okay so she’s kind of being like Is that real I think she wants to know about

Pheromones and I think they’re not real phones are like oh you sweat and for some reason instead of stinky I want to [ __ ] you I think that’s the idea yeah I have that with you don’t you always find a way to make it no look be sweet about it fine I

Don’t have it for you I don’t think they’re real I don’t think sper are something you pick up on I think they’re real but actually I think they are are real no you go ahead cuz I think I think I think this actually explains a lot

About some guys I haven’t liked this is this is why they’re real the people who I have dated are so vastly different two things they have in common I do like when you like me that’s huge sure the opposite unfortunately hate that about myself that’s a nightmare as well but

The other thing is that it was just an energy like it was just an energy or a smile or something because they’re like really different I will say there have been a couple of guys I have seen that they didn’t smell bad like I knew they were clean people but their smell didn’t

Work for me do you know what I mean I’m not talking about like the smell of their their like crotch either I’m not talking about like their balls or their dick or anything I’m talking about like their like when we hug I’m like I know this you’re not dirty I have this with

Women’s breath with like specific women who I’m like I would want to hook up with you in their breath no I love some women’s breath I could [ __ ] drink it right no right right to me right can drink it right I want us to be

In the same sexual pool so bad I know you do just so we could have fun with it I just wish there was some crossover but there is some crossover like bisexual guys like I want to [ __ ] guys who are gay that’s the issue ah it sucks so bad how much I’m in

Gay man it’s the only kind of porn that I’ve ever been able to watch okay but but I don’t mostly watch any okay but the [Laughter] but yeah there’s some women’s breath who I’m like I’m into you and your breath is not bad but but the smell of it I’m able

To be like no I wouldn’t want to kiss and conversely there are some guys that I’ve seen that they don’t smell they smell good like I I know that they’re clean and they’re wearing Clon and stuff but there’s something extra about yeah I think I just literally realized that I

Believe in phones you believe in them I think I believe in phon I believe in them 1,000 crazy to be debating this like it’s not scientific fact I’m pretty sure I’m pretty sure they’ve Prov in this this I’m like Joe Rogan but opposite I’m like I think I actually do believe in science

Like gay Rogan I’m like wait I mean there is some science stuff that I don’t believe in what’s [ __ ] up name them I think HPV is a little bit of a scam I think the doctors I think the doctors are like oh every woman gets a strand and it’s just

Like another thing that makes women scared to have sex because it’s such a riddle like they’ll like guys can’t be tested on them oh you have one of the hundreds of strands but that one’s not cancerous that one is oh wait now it washed out and it’s like what the [ __ ]

Is this I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that I I need you to believe in HPV I think HPV is very real well someone who doesn’t believe in it isn’t very convincing no I had it and it washed out how about that okay did a

Medical doctor tell you that your HPV washed out literally they say they go they go like this they go it I don’t know if they say wash out they go can somebody Google is HPV wash out it’s a huge thing that’s why they don’t even

Like to give your pap smears until 30 a lot of doctors because in your 20s and stuff like that there’ll be like a lot of people people have it and it washes out swear to God and it doesn’t it sounds like a skim now you know what I

Felt you’re feeling what I felt what allly what do we have allly probably is about to have first washed out any day now there’s currently no cure for an existing HPV infection but for most people it would be cleared by their own immune system and there are treatments

Available for symptoms it can sounds like a body wash out your body fights it off your body fights it off it’s like a [ __ ] flu it’s like a [ __ ] flu and they’re like never have sex with a guy again everyone has a [ __ ] flu and everyone’s freaking out and making women

Never want [ __ ] if you’re what if what if queefing is just [ __ ] flu yeah s and you’re sneezing dude I was [ __ ] fluing all over dude that sucks [ __ ] sneezing no I wasn’t I didn’t have it then no worries I think I think HPV is real and

You should stop calling it washed out because what that sounded like to me is that you literally just like lost it in the bath like washed out s it to me like it was like showered it away but it’s like no you had HPV it just leaves your

System and guys can’t track it that is come on that’s crazy like they’re like we can’t test it in the boy so they’re going to keep [ __ ] like raw dog in and stuff but like you guys should wash it out at home if what you’re hoping for

Is that I’m going to side with you a person on a podcast versus like medical doctors some of the girls are believing with me doctor wise some of the what some of the female doctors cuz I anytime I go in now I bring this up kind of and

I’m always like H TV is a scam and like I’ve had a couple doctors who are like it is kind of weird you’re okay sorry just so I understand you’re trying to tell me you’ve been going to doctors and pitching them on HPV not being real and

Some of them are going for it yes yes that’s crazy doctors are you know this they can be anyone and you know some of them are crazy I told you when I asked you’ve heard me talk about when the gay guy Doctor Who I felt so safe finally

Because we were having fun I was like can you actually get pregnant from pulling out and he said no and he was like no we just don’t trust guys and I was like well that’s insane you can get pregnant from pulling out if they don’t pull out it’s like if the

Guy’s like we’re pulling out oh I felt really good you know that’s like the thing so there’s two things I don’t believe the doctor say everything else I believe I do everything no I think they’re [ __ ] on weight as well so there’s three things I think there’s three

Things that they’re [ __ ] on I think they’re good on weight what do you I love the way doctors think about fat people those are the three things I think they’re [ __ ] on waight HPV you you trying to shoehorn your agenda in and they won’t tell you that queefing is

Healthy those are my three things it’s like your thing as well don’t shake no well I told you the one time when I don’t know if I said it one time in Chicago when I went in and she was like do you smoke weed and I was like yeah

And she was like that’s illegal and I was like I was like uh am I was like am I under arrest or are you about to [ __ ] touch my boobs in a second like what the [ __ ] going on you never should you’re always if someone asked if

You smoke weed in a state where it’s not legal you’re always supposed to say back are you an arc yeah well now I know now I lie now now I smoke weed every day they’re said do you smoke weed I’m like no way never so they’re like they’re

Like oh good cuz it would really affect this test you know what I mean like it’s the worst you need to be telling the truth about that stuff I’m not going to you live you live in two states where it’s legal cath told me my mom to trust

No one and I finally start to get that you’re I love your mom but we need to take some things with a grain of salt growing up I didn’t believe her now I do do you trust people how many people I trust people how many what do you mean

How many do you trust me do I trust you unlike certain things I think there are things I definitely trust you about but do I trust you inherently implicitly no I trust you to tell the truth I don’t trust your Judgment that was real that was real that was real that was real that was real I trust you in that way too you trust my judgment I trust your judgment 95% remember oh my God I used to trust 100 and that was actually that’s a strength on me it’s like sometimes it’s

Like I’ll Trust my close friend’s judgment more than mine and that’s been something I’ve wor I’d love to get you back to 100 no 95 is a really healthy Place Holmes I have for you a really exciting game okay okay let me tell you something I am

Going to read you your hair looks good your hair looks good okay does it actually I love your hair I like but I like when guys have longer hair you’re like but I like when guys look like [ __ ] yeah yeah I’m like messy works for me

Good go hey I got a segment for you okay I’m excited I am going to read you 15 statements okay okay you are going to tell me and there is a right or wrong answer you’re going to tell me as quick as you can if you think they are true or

False and if you get more than 10 10 of these correct 10 or more I’m going to give you $50 I need that I know you do baby here we go are you ready sharks or mammals what sharks or I thought said or I was like sharks or mammals um true

False they’re fish the first oh my God I’m already really bad at this the first iPhone without a home button was the iPhone x false true Greenland is the largest island in the world true true the average human sneeze can be clocked at 100 miles per hour

True true the Chicago Magic Lounge is located at 2020 North Clark Street true false 5050 North Clark Street CH chance kind of was mean to you on that one the most common blood type is a positive um true false oh negative I don’t know any of this it took eight

Years to produce it took eight years to produce the Disney animated classic Sleeping Beauty true true cheesecake comes from Italy false false Greece only two men signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th 1776 true true Breaking Bad ran for Seven Seasons true false five Florida state is the oldest university in

Florida I should know that um true you sure no true that one doesn’t count the Chicago marathon is the largest in the world Chicago marathon is the largest in the world false false New York Marathon three strikes in a row and Boeing is called a chicken no false turkey I knew that

Thomas Jefferson brought mac and cheese to the United States false true e Hallmark greeting card company was founded in Kansas City true true how many did they get eight boo you suck you’ll never work again wait eight [ __ ] sucks I was so close the mac and cheese one I feel like

That’s not true Did you count the one I said about Florida I did wow wow so you really only got seven okay fine has any has anyone got it all 10 oh a lot of people no they haven’t oh yeah a lot of people but a lot of people

Are getting 11 and 12 I’m kidding a couple people have gotten yeah I’m trying to think if I have any Shame about the ones I didn’t know I feel like towards the the only one I feel shame about is the shark one okay the shark one I’m feeling bad about like it’s like

I should have known that’s a fish I don’t think you even have any shame around it at all no I’m going to but oh I’ll be processing shame but that’s the only one I have it about tell your favorite story about us about you and me yeah tell your favorite story there’s a

Lot to choose from a lot of lore well it’s it’s kind of hard because a lot of them are kind of only Earnest that’s okay that’s okay the listeners like that do they they like a balance my listener my fans like about me and there’s many of them the celebrities and K lesbians

They’re a very no I’m being serious they’re a very special community and and they sound Hush Hush they um they I think what they value about about me is my my willingness to be both one of the deepest most profound intellectuals uh of our time false but also true oh sorry

But also with true they love that but also mixed with a lightness and a silliness that most people as smart as me can’t access okay so I love that we’re storytelling right now kind of doing fantasies no I think that my favorite was honestly what I think about I think about two

Things right away one is something that I love about you which is that now sometimes you do drink occasionally which hear me out I just will never forget the first time I saw it and you start trust falling on everyone I think about that all the

Time it’s one of my favorite memories of just you solo because I was like I love him more than anything cuz people were really shocked because they didn’t know it was coming um but now it’s love trust I love it my favorite memory that we

Share is when we had your mom and some of our chosen family and then my family and then lady Jay and dearra and we all went out to Italian restaurant it was before either of us had moved to Kansas City actually but we were bringing people that we loved there to show them

And we had like I don’t know when you go out to eat I feel like so often like the table just isn’t it where like the table and the restaurant helped survive so much and we had this big Square table and like it was like the upstairs of the

Restaurant was just ours and it was like such an amazing restaurant that I love so much and we got to really look at everyone and laugh and tell stories about growing up and I just feel like I don’t know it’s like honestly probably one of my favorite meals I’ve ever had

And then me and Caleb had like a moment like we were like dating or something but where we like went to the bathroom and we were like we’re going to split this you know and it was like this cute I just I just remembered feeling like

Not only can we take care of our parents sometimes we can like show them a great time and introduce them to really really interesting people and we create Community together I wish I remembered this no that was a very special night I love that night uh but of course in true

Me fashion the thing I remember most about night is our server going deep on his sobriety do you remember that in the middle we’re having like this very special meal with like some of our closest creative collaborators our families it is beautiful because it’s going to be an expensive meal and we’re

Planning on paying for it right it’s like we were feeling very accomplished and then our our server out of nowhere at one point goes yeah I got my 15year chip drinking ruined my life I was at Rock Bottom my wife left me my kids couldn’t stand me but every day it’s a

New Choice more tea more tea wait I was like Jesus brother I mean I was proud of him but I was like it’s maybe not the time I forgot about that now I remember because I remember lady Jay was like 1,00% I almost killed someone and we’re like lady

J like stop stop on your sobriety yeah he went deep on sobriety that night I don’t know that was my what’s your favorite memory of us say now my favorite memory of us hasn’t happened yet and it’ll be the day we finally de yeah yeah detach no say it now for real

You don’t you don’t have one my favorite you don’t have one sucks my favorite memory of us there have been so many I would say um to pick one is hard that’s what I’m saying to pick one is hard but you know you know what I’ll pick one so uh

We’ve traveled together a lot yes which I love mostly good and um all good and uh when we went to the year that my dad died uh we went to Berlin together for New Year’s with a bunch of friends and Al was there shout out Ally love you girl well it was fun

Cuz I wasn’t supposed to go to Berlin I was just in Europe and like you were like coming so I was like I’m I wasn’t supposed to go to Berlin what happened was that our friend Nori and I were like let’s go to Paris for Christmas and um I

Was already in Portugal and you were in Portugal and Lady Jay was going to be in Berlin and we were like we’ve heard New Year’s in Berlin is crazy why don’t we all go to Berlin then Ally decided to come crazy it was an and crazy it was

Anna decided to come and it was a whole thing and we uh the night of New Year’s Eve you remember we didn’t have a dinner reservation so I found a place near where we were going that was so fun and it was it was this Greek restaurant

Which was so random and there was this like I think like brother sister Duo maybe it was teenagers girl who like clearly like booked this gig and they were playing the restaurant and they were playing like bad covers they were playing bad covers but in a way that

Really was camp and it was just like I hurt myself today the needle tears come on a hole and it was crazy parents were there and US everybody was taking pictures of them cuz it was like all their friends and family who came out and we we were crack

We could could not have had a better time we started dancing it was so fun and topal we love a good meal we love a good meal a good meal out it’s my favorite activity and then I took a video of you smiling beneath the fireworks at the strike of midnight

Right before I got struck right before you got struck by a firework yep we were getting struck a lot that night we all got hit by fireworks that night you were just the most dramatic about it you were the second most dramatic about I was not

You were the second most Dr about would you tell anyone to go to Berlin for New Year’s or would you say don’t I would say go I’d say go once I’d say go I’d say the fireworks were awesome it was cool that they shoot them at you I

Thought that was cool I’d say I’d say go once and like wear protective layers but again I’m really at a place with death where I’m like you be okay I just want to go in a cool way that’s all I want from I feel so similar I would like it

To be like animal or something like I don’t want it to be just bad yeah I want to die in an awesome way the only two things I think about my death what do you consider awesome like something like getting killed by a firework in Berlin

On New Year’s Eve hello he lived a life I think that would be awesome the only other thing I want from my death is I want to be the most famous person who dies in my death event or on the day I die maybe oh I don’t want to be I don’t

Want to die with like I Jake Gyllenhaal or something literally and I also don’t want to die uh that’s why Dying by gun in America [ __ ] sucks it does and I also don’t want to die near a hero I don’t want to die by like a school

Teacher who jumped on a grenade I because it’s like school teacher jumps on grenade and comedian dies alongside you know I 100% get that if I die by gun I want it to be in Europe and people are like whoa that never happened you know

Like holy [ __ ] I want to die in a knife attack in Japan or something yeah yeah yeah yeah I don’t want to die by knife out I know that yeah okay so just remember that I yeah I just want to die exciting I’m not I’m not really I’m like

Having a good time being alive but I’m not like I’m not like desperate to keep it going you know you are no I like it I like it but I’m like I I think I used to have such a fear of death and my hypochondria was debilitating because of

That and I’ve really made peace with death where I’m like it is going to happen so now when the plane gets bumpy I don’t freak out I just go would be funny do you think that switched after your dad died no it was before it was Co

It was Co you were re I remember at the beginning you were really anxious yeah Co [ __ ] me up and then but I’m lucky it [ __ ] me up in the way where it kind of fixed me right Co took a lot of my friends in the other way it kind of

Fixed I don’t think that it I mean I didn’t have a good time but I don’t think I think I would have been just as messy either way without with or without Co I do Co was good for me people have that mentally Co helped

Me I needed a break number one I’m sorry it’s like I don’t wish it I don’t like it I wish it was gone it’s true but it’s like I did need a break I needed to learn I have the whole doesn’t cry during shootings thing so let’s get your

That’s your thing well I think you pretty much got me with women are annoying and men are got it I think my I think my mostly female fans are gonna have a Heyday with that one guys please you have to know me and understand he really loves women but they can be

Annoying they can what are non-binary people nonb well I don’t count them yeah if I ever meet a non-binary person I’ll let you know well actually one of my favorite bits in Mexico City that I was doing was when we were at a museum together I was asking our friends

We went to Mexico City together for New Years this year and I would ask our friends I’d be like B any seen Holmes where is she sorry they sorry I think that’s so funny to mess it up with your friends yeah I mean I we live in an

Industry where no one’s ever going to get those things right and I don’t care just the record show you can use any pronoun I don’t care I don’t care well that’s cuz you’re not actually a non- bioner you’re using it to get ahead thank you cuz it does help like a lot of

People are sort of like you know like oh we’re looking for someone who’s like gay with a mononym you know like a lot of people are excited about that people are buying projects people are loving that people are really loving that yeah no I’ve been putting on my kind of girl for

Some auditions you been putting on girl I’ve been putting on girl for auditions I put on anything for an audition if the money right I put on anything for an audition I put on Dom it it looks weirder than girl I’ll tell you that much Dom would not look right on you you

Well you think you’d look right on you you have no idea what I get into you have no idea what I get into what do you say you’re like you’re like sit down do am I have I ever boss someone around in the bedroom absolutely I’m going to get

Better at it I’m going more on I want to be a like I’m disappointed in you I want to be I do want to be better at it hey what’s something that’s so true to you and try to get this to be a really good one because this is the

Whole point of the podcast okay what’s so true to me is that I don’t talk at all no is that some you start crying yeah yeah what’s so true to me you’re you’re like you’re like I actually am affected by gun violence I [ __ ] am obviously God damn

It I actually do more than the victims of gun violence I [ __ ] do it’s okay that you don’t no I [ __ ] God damn it I hate that that’s okay what’s so true to me is that some people don’t deserve expensive things wow some people don’t deserve expensive things myself included

And it’s like I want to be like even if I like make all the money in the world some people don’t deserve them do you lose them do you not treat them right you don’t deserve them that’s okay doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love but you don’t deserve

Diamonds you don’t deserve boats I guess I’m not confused on some people not deserving expensive things what do you think makes people deserving of expensive things um CU I would almost say nobody deserves expensive things no I think like a Capricorn or like someone who I think like okay this is something

I’ve been working on a lot is that like being content is boring that’s what Capricorn time figured out I don’t like being bored so my life is messy I’m working on that obviously but that means I lose diamonds so Capricorns boring people they’re not losing diamonds okay they’re like

Polishing them and they’re like you know F people who wash their car too much they deserve that you know I don’t deserve a new car I’m not going to tr take care of her I’m going to let my car die with me you know she’s going to be

Till the end my car like she has she looks like she’s been through it cuz she has you and are both going down in a knife attack my longest [ __ ] relationship I [ __ ] love her to death I see all the scars I’m like I’d love

For you to get a new one no we’re not I know she’s not perfect no she’s not she’s not so I think those people I think boring that’s actually maybe more of the so true boring people deserve expensive things no I don’t know if I believe that I believe the first thing

Not everyone deserves expensive things myself included most people who deserve expensive if things are boring it’s a squares and rectangle situation it’s hard right what do you do you agree that that that not everybody deserves expensive things I think I said my piece on it I think I think nobody deserves

Expensive things you think nobody deserves expensive things there’s no you can’t deserve an expensive thing okay hero he’s like he’s like some people don’t have homes I’m like I know how I feel you think okay you think no one deserves that I think it’s not something

You can deserve what do you think you do deserve what do I deserve everything no what do you think a human person what do you think they deserve uh dignity the ability to vote for their elected officials a place to sleep uh food health care but you don’t feel that way

Because you’re very rightwing I’m like I don’t think you should be able to vote no I think you deserve all those things too but those yeah those are just their basic things you don’t think anything bougie Etc no one deserves it’s not that no one deserves them it’s that you I think you

Deserve diamonds and stuff well thank you I don’t desire them but the few that aren’t boring though I’m one of the few interesting people who deserves nice things yes I don’t want nice things you love a new car I don’t really I don’t have a new car but you like like getting

Cars or you like looking at you’re like reaching to desperately grasping but you like would get a new car at some point you like like to search for things that you can buy I like shopping but I often end up with like a bargain like I don’t think like I didn’t

Buy the nicest house I could afford I don’t buy the nicest car I can afford I don’t I don’t think you can deserve ni I don’t think you can deserve expensive things but I think it’s a big one what’s a big one that’s a big take I love it

That’s a big take but that’s not that’s my so true it’s so true that you can’t deserve expensive things which is kind of in your point yeah you don’t deserve expensive things you don’t deserve expensive things specifically I don’t that’s my point yeah well that we should

Probably work on that I don’t deserve exp no I deserve a bunch of stuff but not expensive things I had to have a lesson after losing the diamonds a second time I lost diamonds multiple times what do you think you deserve the most other than a swift kick in the

Ass okay flirting I think what I deserve the most is godamn peace I think peace I don’t see that for you yes I think I see it in my 30s you think you’ll be peaceful in your 30 are you scared to turn 30 absolutely not

I’ve been 30 since I was like 15 yeah I can’t wait to be see that that always scares me when do that thing like everyone always told me I was 30 cuz it’s like you know the one I get a lot 14 yeah everyone’s like you’re giving 14

I’m like I don’t like when you say that stop uh is there anything you want to plug to the to the fans to the listeners anything you want to tell him about anything you’re loving I really like Vince Staple’s new show I thought it was really really good he’s so hot I

Literally have such a crush on him I literally left and was like I have a new crush I hate to objectify I’m sure the show is great he the show gorgeous the show made me have a crush it’s so fun funny it’s so good but for me he’s funny

As [ __ ] just he’s so funny and so talented just follow me on stuff cuz I do have stuff I’m working on that I’m putting out in a few months and so yeah you know just follow me homes holes follow holes I love you so much thanks

For doing it I love you so much and I’m really I do hate gone violence yeah you don’t have to try and convince them let’s just in the Pod how I thought this would be funnier like I thought shut up I thought interviewing homes would be funnier right oh