“What Is Going On?” – Sebastian Maniscalco: Comedy Central Presents – Full Special

Sebastian Maniscalco describes shopping mishaps, questions people who dress up their dogs and recalls trying to play it cool on a first date at a sushi restaurant.

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Original airdate: January 18, 2008

About Comedy Central Presents:
These half-hour specials showcased some of the best up-and-coming comedians of the moment. The show was a pivotal stepping stone for many of today’s stand-up stars, including Dave Chappelle, Patton Oswalt, Amy Schumer, Jim Gaffigan, Kevin Hart, Zach Galifianakis, Dane Cook, Bill Burr, Wanda Sykes and Maria Bamford.

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foreign New York City Comedy Central presents Sebastian Maniscalco nice you come to work you get that type of response that’s good that’s good I needed I had a rough day went to the grocery store always a problem at the grocery store is it hard to pay always something going on in my line right always in the back I’m like what did I who’s still paying in check [Applause] you’ll see it it will come out of a bag in slow motion then the whole line sees it because it’s just not the checkbook things go with the checkbook right glasses always come on gotta find the check hold on oh he’s asking who do I write the check to John’s Market it’s on the guy’s apron it’s on the bags there’s a lot of hints here I got no patience for people I had four items in front of me I’m like four items how are we gonna screw this up they scan it then he pulled this one and a pack of cigarettes please now we gotta go to the cage foreign that’s what we’re doing we’re doing errands right that’s all we do went to Ross for Less anybody been to this nightmare I walked into Ross I thought I walked into downtown Beirut I thought a bomb went off at this store everything’s on the floor [Applause] how are they shopping over there what are they pulling stuff off the shelf this is not my size I went looking for jeans I heard they had cheap chains over there right so I’m in the store shop and I found a pair in housewares stamped irregular anybody looking at irregular clothes you’re not getting a deal you see irregular you got to lay them out you got to find out what the hell happened why are these a dollar [Applause] because originally 175 dollars now slashed to a dollar and if you’re like me you’re looking at the pants you’re like I can’t find the mistake here I think they made the mistake I think I found a treasure until you get to the fitting room I went to go try them on I went to go get the zipper the button all this stuff wasn’t even here I found that right here on the cat foreign all the underwear it’s all boxed the box has been ripped open so many times they got a duck tape them shot you don’t even know what you’re buying I took a gamble on some ck boxer briefs for 39 cents I brought them home I cut the Box open it’s a set of forks [Applause] I just got a problem impatient people airports enough what is going on at the airport could we put a dress code at the airport it looks like a slumber party do people care what they look like anymore they just come out now as is they must roll out of bed [Applause] and then they’re at United what I’m not I’m not into this I’m not into casual I like the 50s 60s people dressed up right I’m not into this whole casual you meet these people I’m comfortable you care what people think of me as long as I’m comfortable yeah I’m uncomfortable that you’re gone shower I’m not into this it’s Gotta stop when you go to the airport when you see the world the world sees you [Applause] and now what we do we sit down in the plane and now we look to see what catastrophe that’s going to be sitting next to us for five hours all right I know and it’s never this it’s never as beautiful ladies I could tell my guy I could sense it right he gets on the plane we make eye contact like oh this is him [Applause] but he’s got everything everybody’s got their Starbucks on it I had to stop at the Starbucks before I got on I got behind a couple that can’t keep their hands off each other every companions come it’s disgusting she’s holding on to him from behind but he’s going to take off Starbucks he ain’t going anywhere she’s dating some softy guy had flip-flops what’s this Flip Flip you seen some of these guys feet men’s feet are disgusting he had the finger foot what is it toes so long he’s got Knuckles on him like he could pick up an orange and then throw it in you have a hand on your foot [Applause] take care of your feet just because you’re in the shower and they’re getting wet then when they’re getting right this concrete with this ash look here I mean here you want to take a pumice stone to that Violet you got a cinder block on your foot socket and he turned to his ladies like honey share a lemon loaf what the hell did you just say did lemon love just come out of your mouth how do you feel like a man in order of lemon law I would never get that even if I wanted one I’d point to it get one of these [Applause] another woman had a dog at the airport dressed up what’s this what’s with the dogs I got a dog it’s my dog why we do dog things go to the park give it a frisbee once in a while to lean down hey how you doing all right good all right get the hell out of here dressing it up what’s up why is the dog got shocks huh socks had a sweater little hat little cell phone around his neck [Applause] stop trying to humanize the animal it’s a dog let it be a dog in Los Angeles this past year they had for Christmas time a Santa Claus for your dog 150 dogs wrapped around the mall to see doggy Santa two kids to see the normal Santa 150 owners sitting there in line yeah Cooper yeah you’re gonna see Sienna today and they put the dog on Santa’s lap and from the line they’re like go ahead Cooper go ahead tell Santa what you want I’m looking at this I’m like he just wants to lick his balls but he can’t because he’s got a sweater on [Applause] what’s wrong with people but it’s good you know we do all this stuff during the day and we come to night time we start coming to events like this start bringing our lady it’s fun right first state that’s the big one what do we normally do guys dinner sushi yeah last week first day I don’t know what Sushi cost I don’t know how much it is right chicken salad steak I know what that goes for a dynamite Roll I have no idea what the hell that is because what we’re doing ladies on the date is we’re trying to figure out how much the bill is in our head before it comes to the table it’s a little game we play up here right it’s happening this is about a hundred and twenty twenty dollar meal the bill comes right and like a silence comes over the table right so the bill comes I do a quick peek yeah it’s what we do on the first date we don’t look at it like it’s a life insurance policy we act like it didn’t even come to the table so I shot a total 256 dollars I closed it and then I started sweating [Applause] on the inside of my body [Applause] because on the first date you can’t let on that that total might bother you you have to take that poker face but if you’re married and you get a bill like that you’ll flip it over could you believe this crap 205 what the hell did you eat you better take a good look at this place we’re not coming back here again [Applause] the line to you guys tonight think this is your only stop but it’s the women they always want different atmosphere they’re in the atmosphere all right they’ll leave here tonight you think you’re going home you’re going to walk out that exit she’s going to turn you like where are we going now we just did it the Comedy Central she wants to dance now now dancing now she’s in her 20s I’m in my 30s women in their 20s dance a lot different than men in their 30s all right there’s a lot of bending but it’s that first date right guys we could do anything on the first day she’s like do you dance of course like dance let’s do this so she get out to the dance floor right away she starts pulling this move [Applause] thank you [Music] I’m like wow I like this I want to participate but I don’t know if I could get down that far but I’m already out there so I’m like all right let’s go let’s do this and my legs start burning foreign [Applause] something popped I don’t know what happened a ligament a muscle something fell out and I couldn’t get back up [Applause] thank you and then we go you know we do start doing stuff and going on vacations together go to Vegas some have if you think you’re in a great relationship go to Vegas test it out in that town something about Vegas brings out the worst in people went to Vegas she was arguing right from the get-go I went to go grab her hand in the casino and give her a little static electricity she’s like pick your feet up what do you want me to do float [Applause] we went to the lounge right I just grazed her butt you know a little we’re dating type of thing and again don’t touch my ass when we’re out in public you were my nuts the first night we met [Applause] it’s nuts that’s what happens right text messaging starts I had no idea I had text messages get in a fight with your girl you’ll find out what text messaging is all about we had an argument I left a little envelope came up on my screen I’m like what is this it was a message from her I read it’s like why have you changed and I didn’t know there was rules to text messaging I called her back I’m like what’s going on she’s like what the hell are you doing we’re not ready for this hang up and text me back I’m not good I’m not good with the thumb there’s a thing on here that will help you though it’s called T9 word all right this will actually guess what you’re trying to say don’t use this drunk [Applause] don’t come home horny drunk you want to text your girl a sexy message look what you’re typing before you send it I didn’t look I just sent it off you called me right back she’s like uh what do you mean you want to kick my puppy good night my name is [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music]