jiak kantang (2019) ※
An excerpt of the footage of my very first premiere work I conceptualized and performed in Italy at MOTUS Danza Compagnia, alongside, Jocelyn Tan. This edit is raw, it does no justice to the rich soundscape which Jocelyn single handedly wove together, but it is the perfect representation of what this very first iteration of the work was, for us.
Watching the self is painful, it always is. The constant scrutiny of how, “I could have moved with more clarity, more intention, should have tilted the head a little more to the right, should have punched harder” – the internal commentary will never cease. It’s precisely the reason why it took me so incredibly long to splice together this very short excerpt of our 26 min long work. I was afraid of watching myself.
Yet as with the shifting nature of this work, it is not complete until I closed the gap between seeing myself being myself on the stage. Or at least seeing the self that I was almost a year ago, revealing myself in layers upon a foreign stage. I stripped myself bare both figuratively and literally. I allowed myself vulnerability in a way I could only initially conceptualise and strive for, but could never anticipate the immensity of that would unfold in the months to come. Being bald, being female, being almost naked, being raw. As with the days that came after the performance, a new performing of my every day immediately confronted me from that moment on.
There’s not a single moment of confusion, pain, happiness and much more indescribable emotions that I would have ever expected nor regret having.
So here I am, closing the year. My ever shifting and growing identity far surpasses the person I present myself to be, to you, and more importantly, to myself – and that is the absolute beauty of it all. Flaws, fails, flails and awkward limbs akimbo, I am here.
I continue to learn.
