Search for:
John Pinette - I'm Starving - Food
Dining

John Pinette – I’m Starving – Food

By



John Pinette on food. From his show ‘I’m Starving’.

Like us on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/comedystationchannel

One trainer put me on the no carb the atkins oh i they said after a week you won’t have any carb cravings i felt lied to i had cravings when you drive by a bakery and you jump out of a moving vehicle that’s a craving i had hallucinations i thought dr phil

Was on my front lawn john come out here and exercise you can’t be big if your lifestyle won’t allow it get off my lawn unless you have doughnuts every time the doorbell rang i thought it was i thought it was pizza come to save me

Oh i was not good on the no carb and i’m i’m big into bread and pasta and i eat way too much of it so when they had the low carb pasta and bread i was all happy the low carb bread have you tasted it it looks like bread

But it has no other properties of bread i went to taste it my brain sent a signal to my mouth get it out get it out it tasted like the wrapper was still on it and i said you know what i’ll put butter on it

But it wouldn’t go on i would put the pad on and it would fall off jam and jelly would beat up and fall off did they scotch guard this at the factory i tried to toast it it wouldn’t toast i’m out in the garage with a blow torch

It’s absorbing the heat like a space shuttle tile how does this break down in my system if it doesn’t toast they’re gonna dig me up and five thousand years ago he was on the no carbs see that disc and then when you go off the no carb diet you lose your mind

I went off one no carb diet a girl scout came to the door she had cookies i said oh i think you’re going to win the trip to washington this year this will be fine for now go back and get the rest of the troop i went to one nutritionist that was uh

Just all raw food it’s a great way of eating it it doesn’t reflect my reality but this lady very nice she was in her 50s she looked 30 but it was too extreme for me she said first of all i want you to juice

I said okay juice is not a verb i don’t know what you’re talking about she said no for the first month i want you to cleanse your system so i want you to drink just juice i didn’t do well with that she sold me a juice a third day i juiced a ham

She called me up how you doing i’m juicing let me get this krispy kreme in here we’ll be good to go [Applause] if you’re drinking ham juice and your arm goes numb wait an hour i’m not a nutritionist but that’s just how i i think you should do it

She said to me are you a vegetarian you’re not in the strictest definition like i don’t eat veal but he grows up he’s got to go and i don’t need bison i was in colorado i was served bison bison is buffalo it was endangered i don’t want to eat that

Because it’s not endangered anymore but i don’t trust it i’ll finish the bison and somebody will walk up to me that was the last one they gave it to me [Applause] and i used to love lamb chops lamb chops heroes my friend owns a farm he gave me a baby lamb to hold

It was adorable it fell asleep in my arms he said the lamb fell asleep it trusts you it has very poor judgment and i bit it on the ass no i didn’t i’m holding this lamb knowing i’m never going to have lamb again and i never have

And he said would you like to see the cows cal no so this very nice juice lady the raw food she said to me you have a block colon do i have that look about me how do you then i’m thinking how we gonna unblock this bad boy

Attach this to your garden hose lady i have neighbors i’ll get a letter from the homeowner’s association please do not clean your colon on front lawn signed all of us she said no it’s very easy to cleanse your system she said you’re juicing right and i was juicing and i still juice i

Like juicing i just can’t do juice alone but i hate salad and salad has essential vitamins and minerals so i just drink it and it’s done so i was juicing she said to me put these herbs in your juice three times a day after a month your colon will be clean

I don’t know what was in the herbs but i called her about 45 minutes later from the bathroom hey crazy lady i’m sending back the rest of the herbs mission accomplished my colon’s clean i swallowed a quarter when i was seven fifty dollars came out my ass hit the jackpot

I just want to know am i gonna live

42 Comments

  6. @bucketman5241

    Attach this to your garden hose. Lady, I have neighbors. I'll get a letter from the homeowners association. Please do not clean colon on front lawn Signed- all of us.

  13. @johnshields6852

    The lamb on his lap, he doesn't eat lamb, it's so true, my meat comes in packages, I definitely don't want to meat anything I meet. I'd be a horrible farmer, skinny, but horrible.

  25. @RulgertGhostalker

    We Are All Going To Starve On Our Decent Into A Global Third World Existence.
    no one will sell food when there isn't enough, anyone with half a brain could figure that out;
    industry will be abandoned when workers haven't the energy to do anything but forage in a world where people are killing each other with hand gardening tools.

    the grocery stores are out of beef. ( while we are running out of topsoil, AND manure )

    i told people this was going to happen,
    because that is how much cattle feed subsaharan africa has been pulling out of the united states.
    And They Have Not Even Been Paying For That !!!
    the addicts, of African Heroin, in the united states are paying for that, on their way out;
    they are paying the subsaharans here to kill them in exchange for our topsoil. ( our "future?" food )

    could anyone find an "article" rationalizing the loss of the Last Two Feet of American Topsoil in the last 50 years???
    well that would ALSO be the Same Reason that all you can find on current beef prices is a media diversion into complete trivialities.

    i can tell you right now,
    all you will find on that topsoil loss, of the last 50 years, is that it was referred to as the "end world hunger campaign".

    so we all starve to DEATH, and then we are not hungry any more because we are dead ???
    was that the "plan" ??? should you ask yourself, who's plan was that???

  26. @biagiocozza8875

    Even though I have seen this act of John a few times now, it still cracks me up. LOL 😆 😂😂😂. RIP John, you were AWESOME

  29. @alexcrawford5350

    I like the obnoxious laugh after he asked “Do I have that look about me?” when he said his doctor said he had a blocked colon.

  32. @pianoboylaker6560

    I just learned that this brilliant comedian has died. What a waste of a great brain and it's a travesty that we'll no longer have anymore laughs from John.
    R.I.P. John, you've earned your place amongst the greats.

  33. @magnetsoldiercephas331

    John was a legend. His jokes aren’t just jokes, they become a storied experience like you’re there with him. My most watched comedian hands down. Funny every time

  35. @drl5002

    Juice is a verb. It means to run really fast. I believe it was coined by Sonic the Hedgehog. Probably not a verb John would be familiar with.

  38. @tsoul1333

    this guy is a genius, again why did it take YouTube 10 years after his death to recommend this comedy gold to me.
    I laughed so hard, I couldn't breathe because the laughter made me cough that much.

  39. @tsoul1333

    those herbs basically blocked his esophagus and made his body throw up in reverse.
    I can actually see it before me: the herbs hit his stomach and a chain reaction went off.

  42. @truckerray7533

    Meanwhile. . . .im eating 4 Nabisco chocolate chip cookies with extra chips while watching this video🍪🍪🍪🍪

Write A Comment