Melania to Campaign for Trump, Subway’s Footlong Desserts: Late Night’s News of the Week

All the news and jokes you missed from the week of January 22.

Late Night with Seth Meyers. Stream now on Peacock: https://bit.ly/3erP2gX

Subscribe to Late Night: http://bit.ly/LateNightSeth

Watch Late Night with Seth Meyers Weeknights 12:35ET/11:35c on NBC.

Get more Late Night with Seth Meyers: http://www.nbc.com/late-night-with-seth-meyers/

LATE NIGHT ON SOCIAL
Follow Late Night on Twitter: https://twitter.com/LateNightSeth
Like Late Night on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LateNightSeth
Follow Late Night Instagram: http://instagram.com/LateNightSeth
Late Night on Tumblr: http://latenightseth.tumblr.com/

Late Night with Seth Meyers on YouTube features A-list celebrity guests, memorable comedy, and topical monologue jokes.

GET MORE NBC
Like NBC: http://Facebook.com/NBC
Follow NBC: http://Twitter.com/NBC
NBC Tumblr: http://NBCtv.tumblr.com/
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/nbc
NBC Instagram: http://instagram.com/nbc

Melania to Campaign for Trump, Subway’s Footlong Desserts: Late Night’s News of the Week – Late Night with Seth Meyers

Late Night with Seth Meyers
http://www.youtube.com/user/latenightseth

-Let’s get to the news. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced yesterday that he was suspending his presidential campaign, and this only a few days after Iowa announced it. [ Laughter ] After DeSantis suspended his presidential campaign and endorsed former President Trump, Trump said that he will retire the nickname

Ron Desanctimonious, added Trump, if I kept using it, that would be very unfair to my good friend Meatball Ron. [ Laughter ] President Biden’s campaign released a new ad yesterday blaming former President Trump for overturning Roe v. Wade, prompting an immediate response from the Trump campaign. “Can we use this too?”

[ Laughter ] President Biden last week canceled $5 billion in student loan debt. “Wow, it’s my lucky day,” said the NYU grad. [ Laughter ] That’s right President Biden canceled $5 billion in student loan debt. Or if you go to UMass whatever that is in Marlborough miles. [ Laughter ]

Look, we have a writer from Massachusetts who writes these. We have an on staff Masshole… [ Laughter ] …named Mike Scollins, who’s respon– We have — Look, we have a writer from Arizona. We have one from Florida. So a lot of that’s inbound. We have one of the heirs to the Arby’s fortune.

[ Laughter ] We have a Spirit Airlines pilot. A lot of the stuff we do… After presidential candidate Nikki Haley questioned his mental fitness, former President Trump defended his abilities at a rally on Saturday and said he recently aced a cognitive test. Said Trump, “I found all the motorcycles.” [ Laughter ]

[As Trump ] “And I did good too, because they gave me a second set.” [ Laughter ] “I made it to level two of motorcycles.” [ Laughter ] “They were like, well, this is never happen. You got all the motorcycles.” so no, one, it was just part of a motorcycle.” [ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ] At a recent sermon, Pope Francis warned that pornography brings, quote, “satisfaction without relationship.” That story again, the Pope is bad at warnings. [ Laughter ] You’re warning against pornography shouldn’t sound like the tagline for a porn site. [ Laughter ] The makers of Kraft Singles have announced

That they will launch three new flavors for the first time in nearly ten years, and hopefully one of them is cheese. [ Laughter ] Officials in an Italian province recently announced the new plan to use DNA to track down and find dog owners who don’t pick up

Their pet’s droppings. And this is cool. It also helped them finally catch the Zodiac Killer. [ Laughter ] Are you more bummed because it’s a dog? [ Laughter ] The sandwich chain Subway has announced that it will offer footlong Auntie Anne’s pretzels and Cinnabon churros. It’s never a good sign for your restaurant

When your best ideas is — What if we sold someone else’s food? [ Laughter ] And finally, officials in new Jersey recently discovered that a gas station was selling a gas — was selling gas, excuse me, that was nearly 60% water, which is especially shocking because in Jersey,

Not even the water is 60% water. [ Laughter ] We do not — We do not have any Jersey writers on staff. That was the entire crew. [ Laughter ] The New Hampshire primary was today. We tape early, so we don’t know what happened.

But yeah, we do. It’s like going to a Mets game. Sure, it hasn’t started yet, but we know who lost. [ Laughter ] That’s right, today was the New Hampshire primary. And then tomorrow diner customers can go back to eating their meals in peace. [ Laughter ] According to new reports.

Former first lady Melania Trump plans to campaign for former President Trump, but not at routine events, just the ones she’s subpoenaed for. [ Laughter ] In a new interview, presidential candidate Nikki Haley questioned former President Trump’s mental fitness and said that she thinks he is, quote, “declining.” Well, Trump thinks Nikki Haley

Is that lady from “Law and Order.” [ Laughter ] Former President Trump had held a rally last night in New Hampshire with three of his former Republican primary opponents Vivek Ramaswamy, Tim Scott, and a teleprompter. [ Laughter ] The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that Border Patrol agents can remove razor wire

From the US Mexico border. Apparently, Trump’s been cutting up his hands trying to escape. [ Laughter ] What’s a bigger bummer that we got a former president with a handful of sores, or that he’s the front runner? [ Laughter ] A Japanese author, recently won a literary award,

Revealed last week that she used artificial intelligence to help write the novel, which is totally unfair to authors who write without the help of any intelligence. [ Laughter ] Authorities in New York’s JFK airport recently arrested a man after they allegedly found 40 pounds of cocaine

Hidden inside multiple packages of frozen jumbo shrimp. They first became suspicious when he tried to board an airplane with multiple packages of frozen jumbo shrimp. [ Laughter ] Do you want me to help you put those in the overhead? No. [ Laughter ] Builders in Italy, recently unearthed the ruins

Of a 2,000-year-old beach house. And like all beach houses, it included the dumbest sign you’ve ever seen. [ Laughter ] Authorities in California recently arrested a man at a Planet Fitness gym after he allegedly threatened other patrons with a knife while naked. Wow. Planet Fitness what happened to your judgment free zone?

[ Laughter ] According to a new analysis, Florida is the best state to retire. Convenient. [ Laughter ] A yogurt company is offering $10,000 to participants who can stay off their phone for one month by locking it in a box. Do you have to eat the yogurt, too?

Because if I eat yogurt, I’m going to need my phone. [ Laughter ] I don’t have hard copies of Wordle. [ Laughter ] And finally, you have to fill it out, and then you mail it in. [ Laughter ] A couple of days later, it comes back, you find it. [ Laughter ]

And finally, a Virgin Atlantic flight in England was canceled recently after passengers told a flight attendant that several screws were missing from the plane’s wing. Even worse, they had like four of these things just left over. [ Laughter ] Presidential candidate Nikki Haley spoke to her supporters

After losing the New Hampshire primary last night to former President Trump, and said the race is, quote, “far from over.” And she’s right. It’s this far from over. [ Laughter ] That’s right. Former President Trump won yesterday’s New Hampshire primary, while Nikki Haley finished second. Haley gave a concession speech

While Trump gave a concussion speech. [ Laughter ] In his speech after winning the New Hampshire primary, former President Trump told the crowd, quote, “This is not your typical victory speech.” Oh, thanks for the heads up. Prepare yourselves. This will not be one of my regular, measured responses where I stay on topic

And don’t threaten to kill anyone. Now please welcome an alien I stole from Area 51. [ Laughter ] During his victory speech last night, former President Trump mocked presidential candidate Nikki Haley’s outfit. Seriously, your pants look like two sky dancers from a used car lot. [ Laughter ]

Every one of your suits looks like the last scene in “Big.” [ Laughter ] Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell declined to tell reporters yesterday whether he will endorse former President Trump. All right. Well, I guess it’ll just be one of those enduring mysteries, like what color is the sky? [ Laughter ]

President Biden’s campaign released a new line of merchandise last night with the slogan — “Together, We Will Defeat Donald Trump, Again.” [ Laughter ] Oh, Democrats, why are you so bad at this stuff? That is not a slogan. That’s like an affirmation you tape on your bathroom mirror. [ Laughter ]

Slogans don’t have multiple punctuation marks in them. A slogan is like “Let’s go!” or “Vote or die.” This is a sentence so awkward that you think, oh, it must spell out a cool acronym, and then it doesn’t. Unless TWDTA it is a cool acronym. [ Laughter ]

Also, you can’t end your slogan with “again” when his slogan ends with “again.” Democrats, I’m begging you, please suck less. Oh! Oh, that’s not bad. “Democrats: We Suck…Less.” [ Laughter and applause ] The House Ethics Committee… [ Applause ] The House Ethics Committee has reportedly reached out

To several new witnesses on in its investigation of Florida, Congressman Matt Gaetz. Said the witnesses, “Sure. I mean anything to get out of math class.” [ Laughter ] Disgraced former congressman George Santos appeared in federal court yesterday with two new lawyers, both him. [ Laughter ] The New York State Cannabis Control Board

Yesterday unveiled the first rules for residents to legally grow pot at home, because if people who grow weed at home are interested in anything, it’s rules. [ Laughter ] Airbnb announced yesterday it’s donated $10 million to more than 120 nonprofits, which works out to over $30 million

When you add in the cleaning fee. [ Laughter ] And finally, according to the latest numbers, the most expensive ticket for this Sunday’s Kansas City Chiefs Baltimore Ravens game is $30,000. At those rates, even Taylor Swift is going to watch it from a bar. The United Auto Workers yesterday endorsed President Biden.

Really? President Amtrak? You might as well have endorsed Usain Bolt. [ Laughter ] And a post on Truth Social, Former President Trump said that anyone who donates to Nikki Haley’s campaign will be permanently barred from the MAGA camp, quote “from this moment forth.” What? [ Laughter ]

From this moment forth, what’s going on? You know, Trump is stressed when he starts talking like a dungeon master. [ Laughter ] [ As Trump] From this moment forth, all my enemies shall bow before me. No, you roll those dice to see if you have to bow. [ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ] Presidential candidate Nikki Haley premiered a new campaign ad yesterday in South Carolina that calls her, quote, “America’s new chapter.” As opposed to Trump, who’s aiming to be more of an epilogue. [ Laughter ] According to a new report from a watchdog group, former President Trump’s White House pharmacy

Prepared go bags of prescription medications for overseas trips, including Ambien or, as Trump calls it, my speechwriter. [ Laughter ] Hillary Clinton released a statement yesterday in support of “Barbie” director Greta Gerwig and actress Margot Robbie after they did not receive Oscar nominations, wrote, quote, “You are both so much more than Kenough.”

Oh, my God, mom, don’t talk to my friends. [ Laughter ] Don’t you have somewhere to Pokemon Go? [ Laughter ] Mom! I told you when you drove us to the movie, “Don’t quote it.” [ Laughter ] The House Ethics Committee has reportedly contacted the woman who Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz

Has been accused of sleeping with when she was a minor. If convicted, Gaetz could serve up to four years as vice president. [ Laughter ] Ring a little — Ring a little too true? [ Laughter ] Officials at a British zoo have reintegrated a pair of profanity spewing parrots with their flock

In hopes it will help clean up their language. And I don’t know what they’ve been saying, but if British people are offended, you know it’s bad. [ Laughter ] According to a new ranking by “The Wall Street Journal,” Alaska Airlines was the second best domestic carrier of 2023.

They really blew the doors off the competition. I know it’s — Yeah. [ Laughter ] I’m guessing voting for that was a couple of months ago. [ Laughter ] And finally, today was National Florida Day. To learn more about Florida’s history, go to school somewhere else. And you guys, that was a monologue.